Be YOU.

“For someone who wanted marriage and family so bad, you’ve had the worst experience with it”.

When my best friend said this to me, I burst into tears. I wanted that life. I prayed for that life. I had that life.

I wanted to be and was the wife who tried new recipes for the family. I was the wife who packed her husband lunch everyday. I was the wife who prayed over her husband before work.

I was the mother who breastfed and pumped repeatly even though my milk supply was low. I was the mother who made homemade baby food. I was the mother who looked up fun activities and made learning games to play with our baby.

I was the wife, the mother and the stepmother who was trying to hold the family together in love and service. That still didn’t keep my family together.

They say marriage is work, but they don’t specify what kind of work it is. It’s good work. It’s beautiful work. It’s necessary work that two people who want to be married do.

Then the work doesn’t feel like work.

But I think where I went wrong is that I looked at marriage as an end goal. Some prize to be won. I wanted to be chosen. I had tunnel vision and wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it. Chasing a dream and not reality. Not analyzing whether the person I was with wanted to be married too. Not truly seeing whether we were truly compatible, whether we shared the same values, whether he even liked me or knew who I truly was.

Honestly, did I even show him?

I hid so many parts of myself so I would be loved. So I would be liked. So I would be chosen. So while we looked good on paper and compatibility tests, it doesn’t reflect accuracy if you’re performing for a role. When I could no longer hide my true needs, wants, and desires, when I could no longer pretend I needed more, that’s when it all fell apart. I hated who I had become and he hated who I always was.

We have to be ourselves if we want to meet the people who will truly love us.

Find yourself so your people can find you too.