Marriage! Marriage. Marriage?

When you’ve wanted something so bad and you think it’s taking too long to get it, you start to question why you want it in the first place. 

That’s where I am with marriage right now.

I don’t really know where the urge came from exactly.  My mother has been married and divorced 3 times. My parents divorced when I was 12 and never remarried. I was too young to remember any good times; all I remember is two households. Every other weekend and swapped holidays with my daddy.

Wherever it came from, the desire was so strong, that I ran out and married someone that I shouldn’t have. And now I’m divorced myself.

I wanted to fulfill my desires of course, but I honestly think I got married to prove that I could be successful at it. My family is filled with broken homes and I was going to be the one who was going to change that. To break the curse. The universe had a good laugh at that attempt I’m sure.

Fast forward to my last relationship and I felt like I had to convince and give an ultimatum as to why he should marry me after 3-4 years. Being a divorcee himself, he had hesitation and now I’m thinking, maybe I should too. 

Why am I so ready to dive in after I’ve almost drowned before? Scratch almost, DID.

What am I really seeking? Stability? Commitment? Loyalty? Can marriage really guarantee those things? If it could, I would still be married. And even asking men, specifically black men on their thoughts of marriage is disheartening.

“Marriage is just a business”.

“Marriage is for women”.

“There are no benefits in marriage”.

Hell, why am I trying to seek something that no one believes in anymore? 

These are now the thoughts that have clouded my brain about marriage. And I wish I could end this post with some hope and faith in what I want like I usually do, but again, do I really want this?

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