Do a Durant.

I’m a football girl myself, but I follow basketball enough that when I saw this meme, I hollered. Durant made that move and got what he wanted. Some didn’t respect it, but he did what he thought was best for him and there’s a lesson in that.

Since this meme was directed at the women, I will speak from a woman’s point of view (being that I am one).

I think we forget that when we are single, we are free agents. Even when I am in a relationship, I am still considered a single woman. I file single on my taxes, I possess my dad’s last name, my name is solely on all the bills, etc. etc. In a nutshell:

Unmarried = Single.

Don’t get me wrong, I am respectful of my relationships. When I am with someone, I am not actively looking for anything else. I do not entertain others and I remain committed. However, I do realize that I am single until there is a ring on my hand, a marriage certificate, and a last name change. I am free to walk out the door at anytime or end the relationship because I have not stated any vows that require me to stay. There is a certain freedom in this thinking, but don’t get me wrong, I strongly desire marriage and family which leads me back to this meme.

When women like myself desire marriage and children, we are often ridiculed about our timelines. This is only because men are not on the same timeline as us. They do not get the side eye from doctors when you are over 30 and you still haven’t had children yet. They do not have to hear the lecture on the risks of having children after 35. Men can go out, get a younger women, and have children at 50 if they wanted to. Women however, have to think of birth defects and safety risks as soon as we hit the big 3-0.

That’s why we do not have time to waste. After 30, for women who want to be married and have a family can’t sit in these 3-5 year relationships with an additional 1-2 year engagement. And that’s being modest. There are plenty of women who have sat in longer relationships, 6, 7, 8, 10 fucking years. No ring in sight. But really, why do we do that? Hope? Loyalty? Fear? Probably a combination of all. We wait, hoping that we are the one, that this guy we love loves us enough to give us his last name. We assume that the number of years we’ve spent together is an longterm investment. It may be for us, but a lot of these men don’t see it in that way. I’ve heard from the male point of view that marriage is a scam and there is no benefit for them. (Although, research shows that married men live longer, but that’s another topic). 

Despite the negative comments and unproductive debates about marriage that I have been involved in with men, I still believe there are a great number of them who desire it. They want a wife and children. That’s why I refuse to stay in a relationship that does not have that end goal. And just because we talk about it and agree we want the same thing, doesn’t mean we are on the same timeline. A man may very well want to marry you, but it’s going to be when he’s ready. It could be a year, hell it could be 10 years. It is his prerogative, but you are not required to stay and wait. Listen to what he says, but also watch what he does. A man that wants you as a wife will make arrangements and prepare to do just that. His words will align with his actions.

After 30, and this is just me talking, you don’t need years to determine whether you want to spend a lifetime with someone. So don’t feel guilty about the timeline you have in your head (I’m speaking to myself too). Don’t let anyone waste your time and best years of your life.

Go get your ring.

Lebron did it.

Durant did it.

So if you have to….

Just do it.

 

 

 

I’ve Overstayed My Welcome.

I admire men. Some of them have hurt me to the core, but I still love them. One thing that I would like to learn from them is to be able to leave a relationship when it’s no longer serving me. Mind you, some men don’t do it in the greatest of ways; they might go ghost (stop taking your calls, totally disappear off the face of the earth) or they may just straight up tell you that you suck and they don’t want to be with you. BUT they know when it’s time to get out.

Women however, will try to revive and resuscitate a dead relationship. We will try to change ourselves, the situation, hell even the man. We will accept, adapt, and suffer through mistreatment. Let a man face the same obstacles and he will be gone before you know what hit you. They know when a relationship is not going anywhere. They will drop you if you don’t met their requirements. They will not tolerate mistreatment, lack of attention, or lukewarm feelings. And these are all the things that women choose to accept in order to save a relationship. Why is that?

I can only share my own opinions and personal thoughts:

We fear that there is no one else out there for us. Lies.

We are holding out for marriage. But if we’re being treated badly, why would we want to marry them anyway?

We have invested so much time. An investment is only worth its return.

We are hoping they’ll change. Do they ever though?

These are just a few of the thoughts that I’ve had to fight though over my dating/relationship career. I suppose now that I’m over 30, I have made it my business not to waste my time or others. So this trait that men seem to have over us, I’m actively working to pick up. I will no longer ignore red flags, waste years of my life waiting for a man to decide I’m worthy of being his wife, or believe words without action to back it up. When those spider senses start tingling, I will shoot my web and fly.