I’ve Overstayed My Welcome.

I admire men. Some of them have hurt me to the core, but I still love them. One thing that I would like to learn from them is to be able to leave a relationship when it’s no longer serving me. Mind you, some men don’t do it in the greatest of ways; they might go ghost (stop taking your calls, totally disappear off the face of the earth) or they may just straight up tell you that you suck and they don’t want to be with you. BUT they know when it’s time to get out.

Women however, will try to revive and resuscitate a dead relationship. We will try to change ourselves, the situation, hell even the man. We will accept, adapt, and suffer through mistreatment. Let a man face the same obstacles and he will be gone before you know what hit you. They know when a relationship is not going anywhere. They will drop you if you don’t met their requirements. They will not tolerate mistreatment, lack of attention, or lukewarm feelings. And these are all the things that women choose to accept in order to save a relationship. Why is that?

I can only share my own opinions and personal thoughts:

We fear that there is no one else out there for us. Lies.

We are holding out for marriage. But if we’re being treated badly, why would we want to marry them anyway?

We have invested so much time. An investment is only worth its return.

We are hoping they’ll change. Do they ever though?

These are just a few of the thoughts that I’ve had to fight though over my dating/relationship career. I suppose now that I’m over 30, I have made it my business not to waste my time or others. So this trait that men seem to have over us, I’m actively working to pick up. I will no longer ignore red flags, waste years of my life waiting for a man to decide I’m worthy of being his wife, or believe words without action to back it up. When those spider senses start tingling, I will shoot my web and fly.

These Two ♡

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I love looking at pictures of Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee. They just exuded love. In their time together, not only did they pour into each other, but their love spilled out into the world. They were activists who’s passion about love and life was not able to be caged. They fought together, and I imagine them crying together, laughing together, and bouncing ideas off of each other. They built a life together. Built a family together. I see them lifting and encouraging each other. Of course with all marriages and relationships, when you’re on the outside looking in, you never know what’s really going on. I’m sure they had their difficult times, but what matters most is that they got through it together.

Where is this love?

Am I a fool to believe that this type of love still exists? In a generation of side chicks/dudes and THOTs, Housewives who aren’t housewives, and the acceptance of cheating, lying, and no commitments, can real love be found? What are the ones who still believe in love and marriage supposed to do? I say keep believing. Keeping hoping. Keep praying. I don’t believe that one generation is better than the next. The same opportunities that were available in the past, are still there now. There are still marriages standing the test of time. Although we may not have many images of it, it still exists. We can still find it.

So where is that love? It’s all around us. Waiting to be found.

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Attitude Adjustment.

I must admit, I move a little slow when it comes to letting go of people. It’s the Scorpio trait in me I suppose. If I’m having trouble removing you out of my life, it’s because we’ve built great memories, I’m thinking about how you used to be, and I’m desperately hoping you will change. But once I’m tired of the lack of phone calls, text messages not being responded to, and actions not being aligned with words, I finally wake up. Once I finally let go, I let go completely. You are nonexistent. You are a non-factor. The love is still there, but simply IDFWY. It’s interesting because its only when I get to that point, people start coming back around. I start getting those, “Hey stranger” texts.

No. Wait. Pause.

I have the title of a “stranger” only  because you gave it to me. You only see the distance that’s there, but not what was done to create it. People who are like that love to place the blame on you somehow, just to guilt you into letting them back in. But if I gave you a space in my life and you choose the lose your place by your own actions, don’t try weasel your way back in.

#love #hope #faith

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Holding On (L.T.D.)

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My friend said this to me the other day and it hit me like a lightening bolt. Every single relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve fought to hold on to. Even in my marriage when I knew it might cost me my life if I stayed, I still battled with the decision of divorce.

I hold on to love for dear life because love IS my life.

It still is and will always be. I still love with all that I have in me, but I finally came to the realization that if I had to fight that hard, if I was fighting by myself, and if I was the only one holding on, it couldn’t be love. If it was, that’s not the kind of love that I wanted. I want someone who values me and the relationship just as much as I do. I want someone who respects me and is grateful to have me in their life. I want to be celebrated, not tolerated. I want someone that I will not have to chase, but will run towards me. I have not had that. When I finally let go because my hands were aching and bleeding from keeping things together, that’s when they wanted to come back. It’s not fair. Why should I give my heart back to the same person that broke it? What I need is someone who is going to hold on to me and never let go. And that’s what you need too.

#love #hope #faith

Round Holes, Square Pegs

I think we all at some point have had a picture in our mind of the type of person we would like to be with. Or at least an idea of how we would like our relationship to be. So when someone comes along that we like, we can sometimes try to fit them into the vision we have created for ourselves. We overlook habits, traits, and flaws that would otherwise be an issue, but we choose to ignore them because we want “them” to be “it”.

They become our mirage.

“So what if he smokes and drinks, thats not a big deal. I can get him to quit”.

“She might go out a lot now, but I’m sure I can change her”.

We start plotting ways that we can change them into the mold that we want. Eventually, we find out that we do not have the power to change anyone. In that discovery, the relationship falls apart and those things that were overlooked, soon become apparent. So we must be cautious in our choosing. We must be responsible for our choices. And we must not fall for our own illusions.

#love #hope #faith

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How About I Just Marry Myself?

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My sister Melissa and I had a great conversation about this story last night. It can be found here: http://madamenoire.com/506085/houston-woman-marries-herself/

A 40 year old woman (which is not old by the way) decides since she is single with no prospects, so she is going to marry herself. Some say she was desperate. Some say she was bold and showed self-love. I say she gave up.

When I thought more about this, the story of Sara and Abraham came to mind. Sara laughed at God when she was told that she would have a baby at her old age (Genesis 18). She even chose to move in her own effort by allowing Abraham to impregnate their servant Hagar, because she believed she was incapable of having children. Even through her moments of doubt and devising her own plans, she still conceived a child just as God had promised.

So guess what? Even when you try to move in your own effort (like give up on love and marry yourself), you can still receive the promises God meant for you to have.

Why would he put a desire in your heart without providing a way to fulfill it?

May you never lose sight of the vision God gave to you. If you want to be a wife or husband, it will happen. If you want to have children, it will happen. Find the scriptures that coincide with the desires you have and meditate on them each day. Hold on to your faith and the promises that were given to you by any means necessary.

#love #hope #faith

Why Did I Get Married?

I recently had a discussion with a few friends about marriage. They each said the same thing; they were afraid of getting married because of the horror stories associated with it (heck I have one of my own). They know spouses who cheat on each other. They hear stories of abuse and mistreatment. The divorce rate is high, so I don’t blame them for their fear. My argument was, when you think about these couples, look at what the circumstances were before they got married. 9 times out of 10, the same things that are happening within the marriage, is the same things that were happening before then.

People don’t change just because of a piece of paper and some rings.

If they were lying, cheating, and abusive in the relationship, chances are those things won’t cease just because of some wedding vows. Marriage is not the band aid to relationship wounds. When we realize this, we can possibly  avoid the demise of a beautiful institution.

#love #hope #faith

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Long Distance Love

Real love is not based on conditions. It is never changing. If you’ve ever really loved someone, that love doesn’t just go away. Even through breakups and goodbyes, it still lingers. It just evolves into something else. The “in love” changes to love from a distance. That person becomes a part of your past, a chapter in your history.

Whether we know it or not, the people who come into our lives, whether they love us or hurt us, help to shape us into who we are.

So no matter how that relationship ended or what they did to you, forgive them and continue to love them despite of. You may never what to see them again, but that doesn’t mean the love goes away. It just turns into a long distance love.

#love #hope #faith

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Go Over, Not Under.

You’ve heard the phrase, “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”. It may make you feel good for the moment, but it’s only a temporary fix. Moving on seems easier when you have someone else as a distraction, but the thoughts, issues, and memories will still be there if you never address them.

Getting into a rebound relationship is not going to numb the pain.

You will not be able to move into a healthy relationship, if you do not deal with the ending of the previous one. You should not start something new with old, unresolved feelings. As crazy as it sounds, let yourself feel the disappointment and saddness. Face your feelings head on and give yourself time to heal and regroup. Endings are usually great beginnings, but you shouldn’t move on to the next chapter if you didn’t understand the first.

#love #hope #faith

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1 + 2 = 2?

I am extremely selfish when it comes to love. I am not sharing you. You’re not about to run back and forth between me and someone else. I have no time for flip floppers. Or flakes. Or confusion.

It’s all or nothing with me.

Either I get the number one spot or there is no place for me. I’m smashing that runner up trophy. If someone else captures your attention, let them keep it. If their looks, style, personality, or big ass pulls you away from me, then get going. Because there is someone out there that will put me first and will realize there is no competition.

We have to have this attitude. We have to know our worth. Otherwise people will string us along, have us waiting, have us chasing, and have us competing. Relationships should not be a game show. Yes, dating allows you to discover what type of person you desire by seeing different people, but once a commitment has been made, the back and forth should cease. If they are running back and forth between you and someone else, take yourself out of the equation.

#love #hope #faith

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