When I turned 30, instantly there was this imaginary timer over my head. Society says, by 30 you’re supposed to be married. By 35, the doctors tell you that pregnancy becomes high risk. And now we have men telling women that our value goes down as we get older. Like we are cars. Like we are nothing more than a body.
From the beginning of time, our value has been placed on the ability to have children. Think about the Bible stories of Elizabeth and Rachel who were at first unable to conceive. Then there’s the story of Sarah who was so desperate to give her husband a child that she allowed him to impregnate their servant Hager. She got so tired of waiting on God’s promise that she made her own moves. But her plan led to confusion and resentment. And this is what happens with women when we try to met these invisible timelines on our own instead of waiting on God.
Despite the women’s ages and deviation in plans, God still rewarded these women with children. It just wasn’t on their timeline. Of course in these days, we don’t and shouldn’t wait until we’re 90, but we shouldn’t be panicking by 30 and 40 either.
My grandmother had my dad when she was 42. He is healthy, intelligent, and self-sufficient. Not only this, but she got to see it happen because she lived until she was 98. That’s 56 years she had with him. There are women who become mothers at 25 and die at 28. There are women like my grandmother who had children “late”, but lived long enough to see them get married and have their own children. These timelines we have in our heads mean nothing to God. We can plan out our whole lives, but be gone tomorrow.
What I am learning is not to stress over timelines. Not to be strict about life long plans. God is teaching me that I am not in control and when I try to be, He shows me exactly why I shouldn’t be.
ECCLESIASTES 3: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens
I’m a black woman. I’ve always known I was black. From the moment I understood what race was. However, I never let it define me. I’ve just been a girl who became a woman. I never felt the need to put my blackness in the forefront. Never really saw how it affected me until recently.
When we talk about race, we automatically assume it’s about racism. Although I recognize that racism is all around us, this is not that kind of post. This is about me. A black woman. A black woman who doesn’t feel protected and I’m not sure if I ever have (with exception of my dad). And I’m wondering whose fault is that?
Protection does not just mean physically. It means emotionally as well. I have not felt emotionally safe in my relationships. I have not felt safe to rest. I have had to be strong constantly. I have had to be a work horse; always with 2 jobs or more. I have had to worry about everyone around me, take care of everyone around me, and neglect myself. I mention my blackness because this seems to be a theme for other black women I surround myself with and encounter.
And we are tired.
Who protects us when we have breakdowns? When we’re depressed? When we are exhausted? When we absorb all the anger and pain of our loved ones? When do we get to be soft and rest in our femininity?
Who takes care of us?
Is it our fault that we exude too much strength? Does it come from our distant past of being slaves? Working in the fields, in the house, taking abuse, being raped, breastfeeding all the babies, cooking all the food? Being ripped away from our husbands and children? Has that ability to take on pain just been passed down from generation to generation and we accept it as gospel?
Some could blame our men who have not learned to art of protecting, providing, and leading us. Most of them (including us) have been apart of broken homes and we have not been shown or taught what that type of household looks like.
I could come up with many excuses and reasons to why black women don’t feel safe. Many reasons why I don’t feel safe now. But the real issue is, how do we change it? Based on Malcolm X’s famous quote, this feeling, this issue is not new. But it’s something that needs to be addressed.
Protect the black woman.
You’ve heard the phrase, “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”. It may make you feel good for the moment, but it’s only a temporary fix. Moving on seems easier when you have someone else as a distraction, but the thoughts, issues, and memories will still be there if you never address them.
Getting into a rebound relationship is not going to numb the pain.
You will not be able to move into a healthy relationship, if you do not deal with the ending of the previous one. You should not start something new with old, unresolved feelings. As crazy as it sounds, let yourself feel the disappointment and saddness. Face your feelings head on and give yourself time to heal and regroup. Endings are usually great beginnings, but you shouldn’t move on to the next chapter if you didn’t understand the first.
#love #hope #faith
I am extremely selfish when it comes to love. I am not sharing you. You’re not about to run back and forth between me and someone else. I have no time for flip floppers. Or flakes. Or confusion.
It’s all or nothing with me.
Either I get the number one spot or there is no place for me. I’m smashing that runner up trophy. If someone else captures your attention, let them keep it. If their looks, style, personality, or big ass pulls you away from me, then get going. Because there is someone out there that will put me first and will realize there is no competition.
We have to have this attitude. We have to know our worth. Otherwise people will string us along, have us waiting, have us chasing, and have us competing. Relationships should not be a game show. Yes, dating allows you to discover what type of person you desire by seeing different people, but once a commitment has been made, the back and forth should cease. If they are running back and forth between you and someone else, take yourself out of the equation.
#love #hope #faith
You know what holds us back? Ourselves. We are stagnant because of fear. We sit around waiting for other people to make moves with us. There’s a new resturant you wanna try, but you don’t want to eat alone. There’s a new movie you want to see, but you’re waiting for someone to take you.You want to travel, but what do you look like going alone? Things are more fun with other people so you want someone to come with you. But you’re not going to always have someone to keep you company. People can be flickle, flaky, and unreliable. Or simply, you are in a single stage where you have no one special to do things with. Should that stop you?
Let go of the fear and just go! Go see the places you’ve been wanting to visit, go try new things, and have no regrets! If you keep waiting, the next thing you know years have gone and life has passed you by. Time is way too short. My motto is “time waits for no one and honey neither do I”. Feel free to use it.
#love #hope #faith
It would be easier to just turn around. To run back to the familiar. This road you’re on is too hard. You had to leave the person you love, some of your friends, even family. You want to go back because it’s lonely on this path and the destination is uncertain. All you know is that you don’t belong where you once were. It was too complacent and staggered. So you know it’s time to elevate. Unfortunately, some people are going to have to stay behind.
You can’t take the same mindset and habits where you’re going.
It may be difficult and uncomfortable, but don’t turn back. There will be some long days and lonely nights. But new experiences and new people await you. Promotion awaits you. The rewards will be greater than anything you’re leaving behind, but you can’t reach them if you keep trying to turn around.
#love #hope #faith
What is this place that we’ve created? Somewhere that we store people who like us, may even love us, but the feelings aren’t mutual. We hang out with them when we’re in between relationships to keep us from being lonely or bored. Going to the movies, breaking bread, inviting them over; all while knowing we have no romantic interest in them. Listen here, I don’t have a friend zone nor do I desire to be in one. Please don’t hit me up to go to Applebee’s or Olive Garden because your girlfriend dumped you.
We need to get back to real friendships.
If you’re friends, be friends with no gray areas. This is how people get hurt because they feel there is wiggle room for more. They have the Steve Urkel mentality of “I’m wearing them down”, when in your mind it will never go there. No one desires to be used just to pass the time. No one should accept being trapped in a friend zone when there is someone willing to give the entire area.
#love #hope #faith
Don’t hold your breath waiting for people to explain things to you. Especially those who feel like they don’t owe you anything.
No is an answer.
Silence is an answer too.
You could spend months, even years with someone and they can walk out on you without uttering a word. You could continue chasing them down, trying to get answers that you will never get, or you can accept that they will never give you what you’re seeking. Release yourself from the stress of trying to get deep answers to everything. Some people just don’t have them and some situations don’t require them.
#love #hope #faith
The weather is changing. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. All these reminders that you are alone. It makes you start to think about the relationship that ended. All the fun you used to have and the places you used to go. You want to get back to love. A comfortable place where someone is holding you at night instead of loneliness being your company.
Don’t forget the reasons why you are not together anymore. Remember the fights? The ignored phone calls and texts? The cheating? The blatant disrespect? Don’t let your loneliness give you a selective memory. Remember it ALL. That will help bring you back to reality. Do not let loneliness drive you back into the arms that did not know how to protect your heart. #love #hope #faith
Have you ever been through a break up that just made you feel like your world was going to end? To the point where it feels like your heart is going to fall out of your chest? You’ve cried so much, you can’t sleep, and you’re struggling just to get pass those memories. Everything and anything reminds you of that other person. It’s tough. Especially when it’s an ending that you never wanted to happen. Losing or having to walk away from someone you love is a painful process, but that is just what it is, a process.
It is not the end.
It doesn’t feel like it now because the wound is still fresh, but in time it will heal. Just think of our lives as books. They contain chapters of love, heartache, joy, and pain. This is just a closing of one chapter that leads to the beginning of another. You could linger and keep rereading the same chapter hoping that the plot will change or you can see what twists and turns lay in the next. It is up to you in how long you wait to turn the page. #love #hope #faith