Marriage! Marriage. Marriage?

Posted on by Sherron

When you’ve wanted something so bad and you think it’s taking too long to get it, you start to question why you want it in the first place. 

That’s where I am with marriage right now.

I don’t really know where the urge came from exactly.  My mother has been married and divorced 3 times. My parents divorced when I was 12 and never remarried. I was too young to remember any good times; all I remember is two households. Every other weekend and swapped holidays with my daddy.

Wherever it came from, the desire was so strong, that I ran out and married someone that I shouldn’t have. And now I’m divorced myself.

I wanted to fulfill my desires of course, but I honestly think I got married to prove that I could be successful at it. My family is filled with broken homes and I was going to be the one who was going to change that. To break the curse. The universe had a good laugh at that attempt I’m sure.

Fast forward to my last relationship and I felt like I had to convince and give an ultimatum as to why he should marry me after 3-4 years. Being a divorcee himself, he had hesitation and now I’m thinking, maybe I should too. 

Why am I so ready to dive in after I’ve almost drowned before? Scratch almost, DID.

What am I really seeking? Stability? Commitment? Loyalty? Can marriage really guarantee those things? If it could, I would still be married. And even asking men, specifically black men on their thoughts of marriage is disheartening.

“Marriage is just a business”.

“Marriage is for women”.

“There are no benefits in marriage”.

Hell, why am I trying to seek something that no one believes in anymore? 

These are now the thoughts that have clouded my brain about marriage. And I wish I could end this post with some hope and faith in what I want like I usually do, but again, do I really want this?

Do a Durant.

Posted on by Sherron

I’m a football girl myself, but I follow basketball enough that when I saw this meme, I hollered. Durant made that move and got what he wanted. Some didn’t respect it, but he did what he thought was best for him and there’s a lesson in that.

Since this meme was directed at the women, I will speak from a woman’s point of view (being that I am one).

I think we forget that when we are single, we are free agents. Even when I am in a relationship, I am still considered a single woman. I file single on my taxes, I possess my dad’s last name, my name is solely on all the bills, etc. etc. In a nutshell:

Unmarried = Single.

Don’t get me wrong, I am respectful of my relationships. When I am with someone, I am not actively looking for anything else. I do not entertain others and I remain committed. However, I do realize that I am single until there is a ring on my hand, a marriage certificate, and a last name change. I am free to walk out the door at anytime or end the relationship because I have not stated any vows that require me to stay. There is a certain freedom in this thinking, but don’t get me wrong, I strongly desire marriage and family which leads me back to this meme.

When women like myself desire marriage and children, we are often ridiculed about our timelines. This is only because men are not on the same timeline as us. They do not get the side eye from doctors when you are over 30 and you still haven’t had children yet. They do not have to hear the lecture on the risks of having children after 35. Men can go out, get a younger women, and have children at 50 if they wanted to. Women however, have to think of birth defects and safety risks as soon as we hit the big 3-0.

That’s why we do not have time to waste. After 30, for women who want to be married and have a family can’t sit in these 3-5 year relationships with an additional 1-2 year engagement. And that’s being modest. There are plenty of women who have sat in longer relationships, 6, 7, 8, 10 fucking years. No ring in sight. But really, why do we do that? Hope? Loyalty? Fear? Probably a combination of all. We wait, hoping that we are the one, that this guy we love loves us enough to give us his last name. We assume that the number of years we’ve spent together is an longterm investment. It may be for us, but a lot of these men don’t see it in that way. I’ve heard from the male point of view that marriage is a scam and there is no benefit for them. (Although, research shows that married men live longer, but that’s another topic). 

Despite the negative comments and unproductive debates about marriage that I have been involved in with men, I still believe there are a great number of them who desire it. They want a wife and children. That’s why I refuse to stay in a relationship that does not have that end goal. And just because we talk about it and agree we want the same thing, doesn’t mean we are on the same timeline. A man may very well want to marry you, but it’s going to be when he’s ready. It could be a year, hell it could be 10 years. It is his prerogative, but you are not required to stay and wait. Listen to what he says, but also watch what he does. A man that wants you as a wife will make arrangements and prepare to do just that. His words will align with his actions.

After 30, and this is just me talking, you don’t need years to determine whether you want to spend a lifetime with someone. So don’t feel guilty about the timeline you have in your head (I’m speaking to myself too). Don’t let anyone waste your time and best years of your life.

Go get your ring.

Lebron did it.

Durant did it.

So if you have to….

Just do it.

 

 

 

That Dirty Word Submission.

Posted on by Sherron

I always find the debate about submission interesting.

“You only submit to your husband”

“You have to submit during a relationship so a man can see that you are wifey material”

“Submission is degrading”

Most women these days aren’t having it at all. Submission has become a dirty word. I watched a reality show recently where a man talked about how he would like a woman with an element of submission to her. The women laughed and walked away. She was offended. So these days if a man talks about how he wants a submissive women, he might not ever see her again.

Let’s be real, submission is not a new concept. It goes back to the to Bible:

Ephesians 5:22-24 – 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

What we like to forget is that it says “wives” and that the Bible speaks about the husband’s role too:

Ephesians 5:25-28 – 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

I find it funny when the new age or millennial man speaks about wanting a submissive wife, when they are not willing to be that husband that is described. The real question is, do men have the capability of being a husband and head of the household? Taking care of their wife and children? Leading their family into to purpose and prosperity? Because a man like that doesn’t have to worry about finding a women who is submissive. She will easily follow if she knows she is safe and cared for.

Women these days get criticized for being “too independent” which makes them appear to “not need a man”, but how else are they supposed to be? The trash is not going to take itself out. The bills have to get paid. These are not the old days of a couple marrying young, the man working and the woman staying home to take care of the household and children. Men and women have become equal. To be real, it’s becoming, (if not already there) unequal because women are working more than men. Because of this, women hold it down until someone is willing to take the burden off of them. And even after that, women are naturally nurturing and are designed to be helpmates. So the quality of submission will be there. Men don’t have seek or ask for it; when they display leadership qualities, a woman like that is naturally drawn to them.

The trouble is, submission is not properly defined. Submission is not slavery. It is not a bad thing or idea that the women has no will of her own. It is an understanding that men and women both have strengths and weaknesses. During a woman’s time of weakness, she will follow the man’s counsel. During his time of weakness, he will do the same. Honestly, in a healthy relationship or marriage, you are submitting to each other in someway. You both seek each other’s advice and put each other’s needs in consideration. So submission is not this strange, old, one-sided concept that we make it out to be. Submission is not limited to the woman. Submission is “the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person”.

Person.

I’ve Overstayed My Welcome.

Posted on by Sherron

I admire men. Some of them have hurt me to the core, but I still love them. One thing that I would like to learn from them is to be able to leave a relationship when it’s no longer serving me. Mind you, some men don’t do it in the greatest of ways; they might go ghost (stop taking your calls, totally disappear off the face of the earth) or they may just straight up tell you that you suck and they don’t want to be with you. BUT they know when it’s time to get out.

Women however, will try to revive and resuscitate a dead relationship. We will try to change ourselves, the situation, hell even the man. We will accept, adapt, and suffer through mistreatment. Let a man face the same obstacles and he will be gone before you know what hit you. They know when a relationship is not going anywhere. They will drop you if you don’t met their requirements. They will not tolerate mistreatment, lack of attention, or lukewarm feelings. And these are all the things that women choose to accept in order to save a relationship. Why is that?

I can only share my own opinions and personal thoughts:

We fear that there is no one else out there for us. Lies.

We are holding out for marriage. But if we’re being treated badly, why would we want to marry them anyway?

We have invested so much time. An investment is only worth its return.

We are hoping they’ll change. Do they ever though?

These are just a few of the thoughts that I’ve had to fight though over my dating/relationship career. I suppose now that I’m over 30, I have made it my business not to waste my time or others. So this trait that men seem to have over us, I’m actively working to pick up. I will no longer ignore red flags, waste years of my life waiting for a man to decide I’m worthy of being his wife, or believe words without action to back it up. When those spider senses start tingling, I will shoot my web and fly.

Momma Knows Best.

Posted on by Sherron

When it comes to my family, I can be pretty private. I sometimes find it weird and uncomfortable to talk to my mom about my dating life. But because she loves me, she will ask and if she asks, I share. I know it’s only out of concern. She’s not one of those moms who just wants grandkids. She knows what I want as far as marriage and kids and she truly just wants to see me have the things I desire. And hey, if she gets some grandkids out of the deal, she won’t complain either.

So last night we had one of those conversations. And it was only because she asked. So I went on to tell her about my latest dating woes and frustration.

She listened, took it in, and then she begin to let me have it. 

                 ::In her fussing voice::

“Sherron, stop settling. Stop thinking you are on this time clock and that you have to take whatever you can get. You have so much going for you. Someone would be lucky to have you. And if they can’t see the type of woman you are, then they aren’t worth your time”

She said so much more, but that stuck with me. I mean, in the back of my mind I know these things, but it’s something about when your mother says it. It must be the truth.

Sometimes we need that reassurance from our moms. Their knowledge. Their wisdom. Their experience. And sometimes just a kick in the pants.

You’re right mom. You’re right.

But Are You Really Ready?

Posted on by Sherron

I had a revelation today as I was driving to work. Am I ready for the things that I want in my life? I was eager to get a vision board made and I look at it daily. I have scriptures and quotes all around my house to encourage me. But just because I’m calling things into my life, just because I am trying to speak things into existence, am I really ready for it?

A wife and mother is something I know I want to be. Something that I WILL be. But as much as I want it, I have to stop and think, am I prepared for it? Being those things takes sacrifice. No more get up and go. No more being spontaneous and being selfish with my time. Being those things will cause me to think more about the people that I love more than myself. Not saying that it’s so far from what I’m doing now but, I would have to worry about their needs and wants daily. The only person I have to think about right now is me. Once I eat (along with my dog), my family is fed.

Having a vision is more than putting up a collection of pictures and looking at them everyday. It’s about putting your words into action. It’s thinking about the things that you want, preparing for it, and executing a plan.

Packing lunches, cooking dinner, weekly grocery shopping, washing and folding more clothes, sharing closet space, attending PTA meetings, picking up my husband’s shoes from the middle of the floor, and hearing “Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!” every 10 minutes.

Again, am I ready for it?

Thinking about your vision, Are you ready for it?

 

Dear Future Husband.

Posted on by Sherron

I’m praying for you tonight. Not that I don’t pray for you often, but tonight I felt I really needed to. I don’t know if it’s so much for you as it is for me. 
My patience is running thin. I’m tired of waiting. Dont get me wrong, my life is fulfilling. I have a demanding career that keeps me busy. Concerts and dinners that I go to with friends. Family that is near and dear to me. And I can’t forget about Reese (my dog, who will be our dog) who greets me at the door after those long draining days. 

I’m independent. I can cut the grass, cook dinner, paint the bathroom, and even kill a roach by myself ( which I’m extremely afraid of btw), but I’m ready to be vulnerable. I’m ready for my load to lighten. I’m ready to submit instead of rule. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, now I’m ready to give up the throne. 

Where are you King? 

I know I’m being prepared and so are you, but I’m getting weary. 

So I’m praying. 

Praying for strength. 

Praying for patience. 

Praying for you.

Vision Needs Faith.

Posted on by Sherron

I’ve had a vision board for a few years now. Pictures of weddings, families, new homes, my ideal body, etc are in my phone, on my Pinterest, and in my home. Some of the things I wanted have happened, but there are many that have not. Currently, I’m not married, I don’t have children, I’m in the same house, and I don’t have the body I want. 
Yet.

That’s a word I hold on too. The idea of “yet” represents faith. Although I don’t see it, although it hasn’t happened “yet”, I will continue to believe it will. Because I have faith that it will and I will put in the work to get it. 

Whatever your vision maybe, never lose faith in it. Even if it’s months or even years, if it’s a desire you have, hold on to it until you get it.

Habukkah 2:2-3 “Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come”

Love. Hope. Faith.

All Black Everything.

Posted on by Sherron

After watching the pain and frustration my parents endured while going through their divorce, I remember saying “I will never bring a child into this world”. I was 12. Of course this statement stemmed from my own turmoil and the effects their dimise had on me. I had a lot more of life to experience and I would get older to realize that there was no need be that extreme.

Fast forward 20 years later and that statement has resurfaced. Why? Because of the recent killings of black men. Not only their deaths, but the retaliation that has been taken out on police officers. Now there are more men who cannot return to their children. Their wives. Their families and friends. With so much disregard for human life, why would I want to bring a child into this world. Especially when they may have a target on their back? 

But I had to check myself. Fear is not what I’m about. Fear is a liar. So to combat fear, I speak to what I want and what I know is true.

I will marry my black man.

I will have my black son.

I will have my black daughter.

And we will be unapologetically black.

Because that’s the skin that I was given. The skin I’m proud of. And I will not let other’s hate of it detour me from creating my black family.

Love = Insanity? Doesn’t Have To.

Posted on by Sherron

I used to have a pattern in my dating life. I had dated the same man in at least three different relationships. Not one particular man, but the same type of man.

image

This man would make me fall in love. I would overlook his flaws and only see his potential. I would nurture him, support him, invest in him. Then when all I could give was gone, so was he. On to the next one. Except this one was worthy of marriage and giving him children. He would give his everything to someone else when he gave nothing to me. Then eventually he finds his self in my same shoes; being depleted by someone who does not give anything in return. So what does he do? He tries to comes back to me broken and with baggage, expecting me to mend his broken heart and help him build again.

I’m done with this type of man. I’m done with his manipulation and lies. I’m done being hurt and used. I am not a doormat. I am not second best.

I am a queen.
I am an assest.
I am a blessing.

Proverbs 18:20 – “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD”

I am that favor.

Love. Hope. Faith.