Author: Sherron

I must admit I can be naive. I look at the world in these rose colored glasses. Believing that all people are good. But gone are the days when you could leave your porch door open. Gone are the days when you could let a man come pick you up from your home for a first date. And now apparently, you can’t park your own car in your own driveway.

Yesterday, to my surprise, I woke up to see my car window shattered. Not to be broken in, thank God, but just to be vandalized. Someone shot two of my windows with a pellet gun for fun. You can imagine how upset I was. I felt violated. Something I worked hard for was tampered with for the sake of….well nothing. The funny thing is, something told me to pull it in the garage that night. I usually do, but I got sidetracked and just didn’t. I figured it’s in my driveway, locked up, and I’ve left it out there before with no problem, so it should be ok. So when I made the discovery, I wasn’t just mad at who did it, but I was mad at myself for leaving it vulnerable. This situation opened up my mind to wonder:

How do you forgive yourself?

Although, someone else did the act, I played a part in it because of my own decision. I didn’t listen to my spirit. My intuition. The inkling. Whatever you want to call it, I ignored it. So because of that, I blame myself. This showed me that it’s just important to forgive yourself as you do others. Matter of fact, forgiving yourself is harder. You can forgive others and never have to deal with them again, but you, you can’t run away from yourself. You have to live with your own decisions and consequences.

So what will be my steps to forgiving myself? I will get it repaired immediately (my OCD won’t allow me to drive around like that for long). I will always, always, always park my car in the garage from now on. I will take this as a learning experience. It could have been much worse. This act of vandalism may have saved me from an actual break in somewhere down the road. And I will listen to my heart and spirit at all times.

I forgive them and I forgive me.

Love. Hope. Faith.

So my phone decided to just shut down on me. Luckily, I’ve been in this situation enough times to keep an old one. Usually I erase all the pictures, texts, and data from old phones, but since I wasn’t getting rid of it, it still had everything from before I stopped using it. As soon as I powered it on, I went into my old text messages. I still had old texts from my ex. He used to send me a daily quote everyday. Since I write morning messages for everyone else, he thought it would be nice for me to get one as well. He was such a caring and thoughtful guy. Was….but I digress. One quote I saved stared me in the face:

“I’ve felt my fair share of pain, but nothing hurts more than not being enough to someone you gave yourself completely to”

I don’t know who wrote it. I never bothered to look because at that time it didn’t apply. I was so happy and in love that I didn’t think twice about it. But funny how it’s so fitting now. It is a perfect description of how I felt when things ended. To me, nothing hurts worse then feeling rejected and abandoned by the one you love. That’s why it’s so easy for us to become guarded. We put up walls because we think it’s better to shut out people who could potentially bring us pain.

But if we try to shut out sadness, we will shut out happiness too.

So this old phone did bring sadness and disappointment. It did remind me of the relationship that failed. But it is also a reminder that even the old can bring new things ahead.

I got my new replacement phone today.

Love. Hope. Faith.

I called an ex last night.

I know, I know. Bad. He didn’t answer thank God. I was having a weak moment. I started thinking about him, reminiscing on the times we spent, and fell into a vulnerable state. But fate knew better. Either that or he sent me to voicemail ::shrugs shoulders::

I was seeking a temporary fix. Trying to feel something more than pain and loneliness. But doing that would have only left me with regret and more confusion later.

Pain + pain = More pain

I share that to say this, even in our strongest times, we will have weak moments. Although I’m in a great place in my life; good friends, supportive family, career, strong faith in God, etc., there are moments when I feel unfufilled because I don’t have that special love in my life. I’m not afraid to admit it. I want to share the things that most people are afraid to. The good thing is, they are only moments and those moments eventually pass.

We’re human. We all want love whether we admit it or not. We all have vulnerable moments. We may backtrack. What’s important is that we don’t let a moment of weakness like calling our ex, pull us into a pit of despair. Slip ups or just that, slip ups. We didn’t fall.

Love. Hope. Faith.

So I have 4 jobs.
I work full time as a special teacher, I teach 2 different afterschool programs, and I give therapy to kids on the side. Even with all that, I manage to keep my weekends free. That is my time to relax, read, catch up with friends, go the movies, whatever I wanna do. But believe it or not, it can also be a difficult time. Why? Because it makes me face the reality that I’m alone. I wake up Saturday mornings in an empty bed (Well, I wake up every morning in an empty bed, but Saturdays give me time to think about it…lol). It can be hard because I remember the days when I could roll over to cuddle and kiss and……make breakfast. Now I roll over to catch my dog staring at me like, “Can you get up and let me out, please?” Don’t get me wrong, this is not one of those sad, single, and lonely rants, but it’s a reality.

Not everyday you’re going to enjoy being single. And that’s ok.

It’s ok to desire companionship. It’s ok to want love and affection. The thing is, not to let those desires keep you from enjoying your life now. There are so many things you can accomplish in your single stage. Pursue your education (Dr. Days has a nice ring to it), go travel (Bahamas is waiting for me in May), fellowship with old and new friends, and so on and so on. This is a time to build. To prepare. To be a better you. Not just for you, but for the person that’s looking for you.

So you’re single. So?

#love #hope #faith